Reply To: 2 years on from divorce.
Hi, not been on this forum for ages and just read this post. I separated almost two years ago and divorced last July.
It took me almost 18 months from us separating to finally get myself back on track, finally rising above the fog and getting through the anxiety and stress. I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt empowered and ready! Myself and my ex were finally getting on, being able to have a civil conversation when he collected the kids on visitation days. We discussed about the kids via texts, done parents evenings together and so on. I decided to dip my toe into the dating scene, but after a few dates with some guys, I realised I was no where ready to meet anyone and have a relationship. I didn’t have the time, the emotional capability, I hadn’t healed properly, I was worried about my kids and how they would feel about me being a relationship, it was all too much so I stepped back out. And I was a lot happier for it. I was finally feeling myself again.
To give an insight about my ex. I accepted our marriage was over, I think it would have ended anyway as we were drifting apart, we both had different priorities. I found out he was texting, deleting messages and having an emotional affair (even though he denies it!) with a woman at work prior to us splitting. He told me last November he is now ‘officially’ seeing her and has been since last summer, I call bull on that and think it has been going on the whole time, if not the best part of last year…. she is 12 years younger than him (27), no kids. We have two kids together.
This has really knocked me for six. I knew it, but now its ‘official’ its hurt, a lot. I don’t love him and wouldn’t want him back but even still, we were together almost 16 years and although I accepted he would eventually meet someone else, and I even convinced myself that I would have been ok with it, even would have met her if he wanted her to meet and have a relationship with our kids, knowing he is now properly seeing the ‘other’ woman has really got me. I feel betrayed, humiliated and my confidence has taken a huge knock. It’s made me anxious again, I’ve fallen back to the old feelings although not as bad, but I do spontaneously cry again and it’s taken a toll on my health and well being. I’ve gone back down that crater and as much as i’m trying to claw back out its really hard.
I did have a conversation with my kids about daddies new girlfriend, obviously they don’t know the whole story and haven’t met her yet. They seem ok with it, all be it a little bit disgruntled about the fact she is 12 years younger than their dad and 12 years older than my eldest son, but as they haven’t met her yet they seem to be ok.
At the minute I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and although I’ve done it before, I know I can do it, I just can’t see that good place again just yet.
I know now for definite that I am still no where ready for a relationship, in fact this has probably pushed me back further. I don’t want to take any trust issues into any new relationship, plus at the moment I don’t feel good about myself let alone think i’m good enough for someone else. But i’ll get there. I count my blessings everyday as things could be so much worse! It’s just my confidence needs a reboot. The good thing is, is that I have not completely written off the thought of having another relationship in the future, i’m sure there is someone out there for me, but this has been a real eye opener for me that’s for sure. I need to learn to love and accept myself first before I can give my love to someone else again.
Sorry that was a bit long!