Reply To: Cheated on and left whilst pregnant

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EmilyW
Participant

Hi,

I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant (planned, my husbands suggestion that the time was right) and have a 3 year old. I found out my husband was cheating around 4 weeks ago. He’s tried to say it’s finished with the girl (10 years younger than him) but I am aware he hasn’t and have told him this. He seems to think he can have his cake and eat it despite doing nothing to improve things. Anyway, just to give you my perspective on it:

1. No, I won’t be having him at the birth. He doesn’t know this yet as he asks me nothing about the baby now. He was not much help during my first labour and now he feels like a stranger to me and I would find it distressing to have to play happy families with someone like him there. If he wishes to be at the hospital to see the baby shortly after then that’s up to him but the actual labour is a no no now.

2. In your situation I would use my own surname. Unfortunately as my first child has his name I will be having to keep his surname and give the new baby it as well as the only way I could change my first borns name would be with his agreement which wouldn’t happen. I don’t want the complications of having a different surname to my children and so am stuck with it but you don’t have that problem and as you will be the primary carer then why should it be his name.

3Once on the birth certificate the father has automatic parental responsibility. Again, I will name my husband as he is already on the first but I would be unlikely to in your situation.

4. You are not unreasonable at all. I didn’t even leave my first born with my parents alone for any length of time for the first few months! Also, if you wish to breast feed that is a factor as that takes time to get established.

5. In regards to 50/50 custody I would be amazed if that happened. The courts want both parents involved but when I have seeked advise they do what is best for the child, not the parent. Even though my husband has been there up until now the suggestion was he could spend half a day or a day a week with them (not overnight) as they will both be so young and I have always been the main carer. They said to then build it up if it suited both sides and the children over time. With the new baby they said if I was exclusively breast feeding I would not be expected to stop this. They said to me it is best to agree to the minimum contact you are happy with to start with and build it up over time as it is harder to reduce it at a later date. To be honest from the sounds of it he might not be so keen for 50/50 anyway when a baby is demanding feeding every few hours and throughout the night in the first few months anyway! My husband hasn’t ever got involved in that side of things so I don’t think that would suddenly change if he was on his own.

If you need legal advice I know citizens advice offer a free 30 minute session with a solicitor for things like this which could help with any of your main concerns.

Good luck and feel free to message me if you want to talk to someone in a similar situation!