Reply To: Well that escalated slowly

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Re the suggestion about me moving out somewhere with our children – as much as this current recent turn of events is intolerable to me (& borderline cruel on our children) –  it would be brutal to try & take the children away from their mum (I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it). And for all she’s pretty much turned her back our children over the past 6-8 weeks (due to constantly going out when the children are home …i.e. evenings + weekends), prior to this she was at home more….and my kids (like most kids) like having mum around.

I personally think her past 6 weeks (jaw dropping) absence is due to “happy chemicals” flowing around her body (you know – the dopamine related ‘hit’ you get when meeting  a new member of the opposite sex) …this is all I can put the vast change in character to down to – July was normal (in the sense we weren’t getting on but at least she was around at home a bit more), then I took the kids away for a couple of trips in August & *everything* changed upon our return – she went from going out once or twice per week prior …to a full-on 7 nights a week! (& and absent Saturday & Sunday during the daytime too!) …she’s rolling in late (sometimes very late), she’s hungover the next day, sleeping it off in the afternoon, before going out again that same night – it’s affecting our children (my eldest lad (16) in particular, but my other two younger sons are showing signs of bemusement & hurt too)

I’d much rather she reigned in going out soooo much – and that we just sit down & work out/agree to a schedule where we’re she is *present* (around)  at least every other week …she’s already suggested we each do alternate weeks/weekends, but knowing what I know about her social trends/habits (she literally can’t turn down a night out dancing/socialising in the West End of London  …. nor can she refuse someone suggesting playing a game of tennis with her)…I therefore know all too well that when it’s to be her week/weekend ‘on’, she’ll not be disciplined or sacrifice & still try to go out regardless (I’ve a busy home-based job which sees me working into the evenings- so I happen to stay in a lot, so this puts me in the situation of  I’m ‘always here’ …which gives her free reign to go out & leaves me feeling abused “Dad can you drop me off at my mates”, “Dad can you make lunch”, “Dad can you sort xyz”, Dad can you pick me up from the Gym”  – it wears thin when it’s only me at home …plus it’s galling when I’m at home working in the evening, trying to keep my business on track …but being an Uber driver/Chef/hunter gatherer (Sainsburys run) … while she’s out partying without a care in the world).

Alas, re agreeing a schedule – she’s already indicated that when it’s her weekend ‘on’ she’ll sort the kids out (which I took to mean, she’ll knock up some food for them…but still go out socialising anyway) – this is not an acceptable ethos – it’s akin for example, to say one parent being granted custody of the kids every other weekend…and when it’s their turn for ‘access’ …they shirk & simply go down the pub or to a social event leaving the kids at home! It’s outside the ‘spirit’ of such an arrangement.

No, I really need their Mum to be  in …to be around for the children when it’s her turn  …these are disturbing unsettling times for our children, they need to feel secure that for all Mum & Dad are splitting up, at least both parents are here for them….but what we have at the moment, is Mum going out until 4.00am, getting up with a hangover,playing some tennis then going to sleep watching TV all afternoon …it’s toxic.

The other issue is she won’t talk to me about anything now (she gets shouty at me within seconds). Due to what I’ve found out about her ‘dark side’ I’m very wary of her now (it’s as if she’s another person – it’s whacky – I’ve been with her for 18 years & thought I knew every aspect of her, but in the last 6 weeks, it’s really like I don’t know her at all) …so I want to clear the air & have her tell me the truth about recent events (what triggered them etc.)…only when the truth is out & I know I’m not being lied to can I then consider mediation (it’s just how I’m wired…I need to be given facts to reconcile things in my head, a little bit of time to digest & then move on to the next stage) …but she’s chosen to ‘pull the shutters down . Personally I think that’s callous & debases the 18 years we’ve been together.

Hey ho… thanks for your comments & apologies for the mini rant-ette!