Emma's story

Life is tough for single parent Emma but support from her friends and pride in her kids keeps her going.

My ten-year-old daughter Scarlet and 11-year-old son Daniel are extremely well-behaved lovely children, everyone says so. But bringing them up on my own is tough.
It doesn’t get any easier. Life is hard. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
I was married for seven years and we had two kids. I knew our home was not the best place to bring children into because I endured domestic violence (physical, emotional and mental abuse). I felt it wouldn’t be right with my husband early on, he changed after we got engaged.
When I was pregnant for the second time I decided I didn’t want to be like my mum, who had also suffered domestic violence and brought us up in an inappropriate environment. So I got divorced. I had a one-year-old son and was pregnant with my daughter. We moved so I had to leave my job, against the odds I got a council flat, we’re in a nicer housing association place now.
I went back to work when my daughter was six months and my son one and a half. It was horrendous, the lowest point of my life.
I feel inadequate as a parent, that I’m not doing as much as I should for the kids.

Juggling
I feel I’m letting them down because I’m juggling too much. I work three days a week now. I seem to be always saying no, putting them off. I become angry, lose my temper.
Sometimes I wish I’d never had kids on my own.
I get migraines, wake up feeling unwell but I don’t do sick leave, what’s the point? If I took the day off I’d still have to get the kids up, take them to school, do the food shopping. I get very resentful sometimes.
My way of handling life is to take each challenge as it comes. Like all the long-running sagas about housing benefit and tax credits, just to get what I’m entitled to. I’ve had ten years of dealing with the Child Support Agency, and am still fighting for a pittance. But I have learnt to keep battling and not let things overwhelm me. Some days are easier than others. Luckily for me I get great support from my friends, that is such a help.

Comments

Emma_1181

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18 November 2010 20:53

Emma-Hi, & thank you for taking the time to respond. It's impossible to put enough detail into such a brief overview. You are aware that some people will judge you (why get pregnant if you knew it was wrong to stay with him?), but there are some, personal, things you just can't share publically. Anyway, I do "beat myself up" very regularly about being a "bad parent" & not doing enough for my children, the guilt of returning to work when they were so young, the constant financial drain & debt. I will be the first to admit it is damn hard raising children, alone. When you're ill there is no one to say "go back to bed for a few hours, I'll feed them/take them to school". When you have to make inportant decisions (which secondary school is best for them?) there is no one to bounce ideas off. Friends have their own agenda based on where their kids go. No one truly understands that lonliness at the end of the day when you lay alone questioning whether you did it right, or whether you did enough. Add constant tax credit/housing benefit/csa challenges, mental illness in the family, cancer & bereavement to the mix & it's no wonder I wake with a headache pretty much daily! I wish I could say that I enjoy being a parent & that I am happy, but the reality is that I'm not. I can't change how I feel. If I told my friends my innermost feelings of despair they would probably be shocked. Everyone tells me how well I cope! As for Christmas, you know, I struggle too. As they get older they want more expensive things. Try not to be sucked in to the peer pressure thing though. We don't have wii/x box etc. We have A ps2 because a friend gave hers to us. I try to be inventive-charity shops are good for cuddlies that you can wash, also puzzles & games & dvds. I also spread the cost over the few months running up to Christmas. I might buy a small item whilst doing the weekly food shop-that way it's part of the food bill! I don't buy loads either. If you do that, they will expect it every year. As for the work issue, I know the Government appear to have it in for us lone parents at the moment, but on the plus side, going to work (albeit a stressful & often not very nice job) gets you away from hearing "mum" for the millionth time. It also means you can ignore the housework/ironing/emails/problems etc for a while longer! In other words, it gives me a bit of a break from my life. But don't rush into it-get as much training & help from the Jobcentre as you can. Take small steps first & work up to full time slowly. You may enjoy the adult conversation too! You sound like you're determined & a fighter-that's what your kids need. They are so reliant on you for both mum & dad roles. You will find the strength to wake up & face a new day, every day. Just make a little time for you-even 10 mins a day-to be calm, quiet, cry, talk to yourself or make a call to a friend! And try to do something nice just for yourself every now & then-it recharges your batteries! Wishing you all well.

Emma345

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16 November 2010 00:49

Hi emma,my name is also Emma and reading your story is almost like reading my own.I to escaped a violent abusive relationship whilst i was pregnant with my 2nd child and have been fighting through every day since.my children are younger,7 and 4,and i haven't got back to work yet although i keep trying.Their father has a child protection order against him and is allowed no contact thankfully so we finally have him gone from our lives although the threat is ever present in my mind.the csa gave 'good cause' not to chase him for maintanance so i am truly responsible for their upbringing in every way and sometimes find this so overwhelming especially at this time of year.we have little family support and to be honest im dreading another xmas of just the 3 of us again.they keep telling me everything they want from santa and i know i cant get it,so not sleeping much at the mo worrying,so hello Emma from another Emma who has every sympathy with you,but you know i look at their beautiful innocent faces and know they deserve so much better than what he,s been to them and thats how i know that i'll keep going and fighting and giving them my everything because if i don't no-one else will and i'll never leave them in that situation.