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Making arrangements for your children

Putting your child first

Most parents want to do their best for their children, so when deciding where your child lives and when they spend time with each parent and family members, keep your child at the heart of the decision making. Children do have a right to a relationship with their parents and it is important that you and your child’s other parent listen to your children and understand their needs and wishes before making decisions about arrangements.

Each family is different and for some having a relationship with both parents will not be possible either because it is not safe or because one parent chooses not to. However where two parents want to be involved in the child’s life and it is safe for this to happen it is normally in the best interests of the child if:

• They are raised by both parents, whether or not they live together
• Each parent support their child to enjoy a positive relationship with the other parent
• Children are clear about the arrangements for spending time with each parent, and are not exposed to sudden changes in arrangements unless it’s unavoidable
• Children are not exposed to continuing conflict; this is both distressing and harmful for them
• Children are supported to keep in touch with important people in their lives, such as wider family members
• New partners support the arrangements you have made, and have a good relationship with your child.

Keep in mind that it is the ability to communicate, the quality of the relationships and the ability to focus on how things will work for the child that make an arrangement work well.

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Making arrangements for your children

Making the arrangements

As long as a parent has parental responsibility, they should have an opportunity to be involved in making the important decisions about their child’s life, such as when the child spends time with each parent and other important people in their lives. For information on parental responsibility see the Gingerbread factsheet Parental responsibility.

Every family situation is different and every family needs to make decisions that work for them. Some decisions will be easy to make and some will be hard. Below are some useful tips that will help you have effective conversations, and ensure the best outcomes for your child. In the Useful Organisations section there are details of organisations that can help you if you can’t agree, or need some support to understand your feelings and behaviour.

Prepare
Be prepared for the conversations you need to have about the arrangements for your child. Decide what aspects you need to agree on, which of these are most important and what information you need to help you make these decisions. Find a neutral place to talk away from your child, and think beforehand what compromises you are prepared to make.

Focus on your child’s needs
When parents separate, emotions run high and it can be hard to know what to do for the best. Whatever your feelings, it is really important to put your child’s needs first. These needs will vary depending on their age, health and abilities, their life and family experiences, and their personality. It is helpful to consider the following:

• The age of your child. Babies and younger children will have different needs to older children
• The wishes and feelings of your child, taking into account their age and understanding
• The likely effect on your child of any changes in their circumstances
• Where your child’s friends and other relatives live, and how your child will continue to see them
• Where your child goes to school, and whether they have any special classes or out-of school activities.

Be as open and honest as possible
This applies to your thoughts and feelings as well as information about your future plans and finances. Try to explain the reasoning behind the arrangements you are proposing and why the arrangements would be the most suitable for your child.

Try to see it from the other side
Trying to understand the concerns of the other parent will help your child have better relationships with you both. This is easier said than done when you are hurt and angry, but try and listen to what is being said and respond to that. Understanding your own feelings can help you understand the other point of view.

Take one step at a time
Try to deal with one issue at a time and perhaps agree on the easier things first. Go back to your priority list if you feel the discussion is going off track. If you feel you are getting stuck, or emotions are running high then try meeting at a different time.

Be practical
When considering when your child will be spending time with each parent, you need to be realistic about the day to day practicalities, which are different for each family. You may wish to consider such things as:

• How your child will get to and from school or childcare
• If you have more than one child, do they have different needs which require different arrangements?
• If your child sleeps over at both parents’ houses, is there room and what are the sleeping arrangements?
• How will the things your child needs on a day to day basis be available for them?
• The travel arrangements, and who takes responsibility for them
• What help and resources you have access to.

Think through the options
Suggest as many options as you can for how and when your child spends time with each of you, and try to find solutions to practical problems.

Agreeing financial support for your child

Both parents have a responsibility to support the child financially. Agreeing on financial support is an important part of making an arrangement for your child. The guide to making family-based arrangements by Child Maintenance Options is a good place to start, see the Useful Organisations section for details. Also, see the Gingerbread factsheet Making arrangements for child maintenance.

Living with both parents

Some families have an arrangement where the child spends significant time (including overnight stays) with both parents. This is known as shared residence or shared care. This option is one to consider when you are making your decision about where your child lives. Good communication about day to day issues and a willingness to be flexible will make this type of arrangement work best.

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Making arrangements for your children

Supporting your child

Don’t argue or fight in front of your child
If you’re finding it difficult to come to an agreement without arguing, don’t do this within earshot of your child, even if you’re on the phone. It is hurtful and distressing for them, and can damage your relationship. There are organisations listed on page 5 that can support you to talk to each other.

Communicate with your child
They may be worrying about things that have not occurred to you. It is common for children to blame themselves for their parent’s separation. Explain that it is not their fault, and keep reassuring them. This is particularly important for younger children.

You may feel you are protecting your child by not telling them what is going on, but you may be doing the opposite. Children want to be involved and listened to, but they should not be expected to make the final decisions about what happens. Often children are not aware of their parent’s problems and a separation may be a real shock to them. Give your child time to adjust to their new situation. If your child does not seem to be coping, you can seek help from the organisations listed in the Gingerbread factsheet Support for your child in difficult situations.

If you are concerned for the safety of your child
Domestic violence or health issues can make it unsafe for a child to be looked after by a parent. In these circumstances you are likely to need legal help when making arrangements for your child.

It may still be possible for the child to have a relationship with their parent, as long as there is a safe way for this to happen. It may be that a child’s time with their parent needs supervising by another person, or for contact to take place in a contact centre. If you have concerns for the safety of your child, get help and advice as soon as you can (in the first instance this may be the police, social services, NSPCC or legal help). See the Useful Organisations section for organisations you can contact.

When the other parent doesn’t want to be involved

Sometimes the child’s other parent doesn’t want to be involved in the child’s life. There could be many reasons for this, which can sometimes be hard to understand. You can’t make parents become involved if they don’t want to be, but you can ensure you have done all you can reasonably do to help contact happen.

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Making arrangements for your children

Recording and reviewing arrangements

Recording what you have agreed

When an agreement is made you should all be clear about what is going to happen. Some parents find it helpful to write down the arrangement in order to avoid confusion or disagreements later on. Be aware that although you have something written down it does not make it legally binding. Arrangements will need to change if they are not working for your child.

Parenting plans
A parenting plan is an agreement made by separated parents on how their children are cared for and supported. It is a useful tool to guide you on what specifics you and your child’s other parent need to consider when working out the arrangements for your child. A guide called Parenting Plans – Putting your children first can be downloaded at www.tsoshop.co.uk.

Statement of arrangements for children
If you are in the process of divorcing, you will complete a form that details the arrangements you are making for the care of your child, including where they will live. This is called a statement of arrangements for children. This is not a legally binding document and parents can choose to alter these arrangements.

Review arrangements

The decisions you make do not have to be set in stone. If you are struggling to reach an agreement or are not sure what will work, suggest trying an arrangement and setting a date to review it.

You should be prepared to review arrangements as your child grows up and circumstances change. As your child gets older they will have their own opinions on what works for them, and will have their own plans and interests to consider. Older children are likely to need more flexible arrangements.

If it is in your child’s best interest to change the arrangement, and you all agree, you can do so at any time. If a court has decided when your child should be spending time with each parent and a contact or residence order is in place you can still change the arrangements, as long as you both agree, but you should get some legal advice first.

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Making arrangements for your children

Tips to make it work

Plan ahead

It helps to plan ahead so that everyone knows where they stand, and to avoid misunderstandings. If it is difficult to plan far ahead, for example if one of you works shifts, try to agree some basic guidelines. These could include how many days a week a child spends with each parent, and how much notice you should both give. If there is a school trip or a friend’s party coming up that affects the usual arrangements, try to give the other parent as much notice as you can; it will make it easier to change dates and times if you need to.

Avoid sudden changes to plans if possible

It can be difficult for everyone if plans change at short notice, but this will happen from time to time. Try to be as flexible as possible about this but review arrangements that seem to frequently need changing at short notice.

Agree arrangements for significant days

Try to agree in advance how your child will spend important dates, such as birthdays, religious festivals, and other significant days. It is common for parents to take turns to see their children on special days, alternating each year. If your children are older, involve them in the decisions.

Make arrangements for holidays

It is usually easier to reach an agreement about holidays by planning ahead. It is common for parents to share school holidays, and celebration holidays such as Christmas and New Year. Depending on your child’s age and understanding, you may want to involve them in planning arrangements so they feel included and secure in what is happening.

If you or the other parent are worried about your child going away, share as much information as possible about the trip. This could include travel arrangements, where your child will be staying, and how to contact them.

Taking a child abroad
Depending on whether you and your child’s other parent have parental responsibility, you may need the other parent’s consent to take your child abroad. If your child has a relationship with their other parent and sees them regularly, let them know about your travel arrangements, even if you do not need their consent.

If you are the only person with parental responsibility, you do not need the consent of the other parent to take your child abroad.

If there is someone else with parental responsibility, you will need their consent to take your child abroad, unless you have a residence order.

If you have a residence order for your child, you can take them abroad for up to one month without the consent of anyone else with parental responsibility, unless there is a court order preventing you.

If you have a shared or joint residence order, you can still technically take your child abroad for up to one month without the consent of anyone else with parental responsibility. However, if the order stipulates when your child spends time with each of you then you will need to stick to that, so in practice, you will probably need consent so you do not break the terms of the order.

Get support when things feel difficult

You might want to share your experiences and get support from friends or other single parents who have been through the same situation.

Joining a support group or online forum such as a gingerbread group (www.gingerbread.org.uk/groups) or online forum (www.gingerbread.org.uk/forum) can be helpful and supportive. However, you may need more professional help. Below are details of the help available.

Don’t be hard on yourself if the final arrangements you make are not as ideal as you would like. Just do your best, be reasonable and keep your child at the heart of the decisions you make.

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Making arrangements for your children

Help when you can’t agree

Not all parents find it easy to come to an agreement, and some need help to find a solution. The Gingerbread factsheet Help when you can’t agree goes through the options available to you. Below is a summary of those options.

Helping you talk
When a relationship breaks down it can be very difficult to talk about issues such as arrangements for your child without getting upset or angry. A variety of organisations offer help to enable you to understand your own feelings and behaviour, see things from both sides and talk as calmly as possible to each other about the situation.

Mediation
Mediation is a process by which you and your child’s other parent can try to resolve disputes on practical issues with the help of a trained professional. It is not legal advice and it is not counselling. You will discuss the issues, and the mediator will make sure you both have your say. Mediation can work if you both want to reach an agreement, even if you hold different views at the start.

Using a solicitor to negotiate
If negotiating with the other parent directly or using a mediator is not appropriate or hasn’t worked, you could ask a solicitor to help you negotiate. If you feel bullied or intimidated into making an arrangement you do not agree with, or you have experienced domestic violence, then using a solicitor may be more appropriate to your circumstances.

Asking the court to decide
Applying to the court should be the last resort, when all other attempts to agree have failed or are not suitable. Court action can be lengthy and expensive, and parents may not get the outcome they want.

The court will encourage you to reach agreement, but if you cannot it may be necessary for the court to issue an order. If you cannot agree on where your child will live the court may issue a residence order, or if the issue is around when your child will spend time with their other parent the court may issue a contact order.

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Making arrangements for your children

Useful organisations

These organisations can all provide further help and information.

Useful Organisations

Organisation: Child Maintenance Options

Details: Information about your options for arranging child maintenance and making an agreement best suited to your circumstances. Information booklets, a maintenance calculator and a private agreement form are on the website.

Phone: 0800 988 0988

URL: http://www.cmoptions.org




Organisation: Community Legal Advice

Details: Telephone advice on benefits, housing, employment, debt, welfare benefits and family law for people who are eligible for public funding.


Phone: 0845 345 4345

URL: http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk




Organisation: Coram Children’s Legal Centre

Details: The child law advice line provides legal advice and information on all aspects of law and policy affecting children. Information is available on parental responsibility, contact and residence disputes.

Phone: 0808 8020 008

URL: http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com




Organisation: Dad.info

Details: A website for fathers including information on relationships, child development, becoming a dad, getting legal advice, making contact with your child and parenting. Discussion area where fathers can share ideas, find information and discuss parenting issues.

Phone:

URL: http://www.dad.info




Organisation: Family Lives

Details: Provides information and support on all aspects of parenting, including bullying, eating, exams, truancy, toddlers, teenagers and more.

Phone: 0808 800 2222

URL: http://www.familylives.org.uk




Organisation: Family Mediation Helpline

Details: Provides general information on family mediation and can tell you whether your case may be suitable for mediation. Can also give information about eligibility for free help, and contact details for local mediation services.

Phone: 0845 60 26 627

URL: http://www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk




Organisation: Family Mediator’s Association

Details: Provides information on family mediation, and directs to local mediation services.

Phone: 01355 244594

URL: www.thefma.co.uk




Organisation: Family Rights Group

Details: Advises parents and other family members whose children are involved with or require children’s social care services because of welfare needs or concerns. The charity provides confidential advice to those living in England and Wales.

Phone: 0808 801 0366

URL: http://www.frg.org.uk




Organisation: Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline

Details: Free information on a range of issues including maintenance, benefits, tax credits, debt, employment, education, legal rights and holidays. Open Mondays to Fridays, 9.00am – 5.00pm, with extended opening on Wednesdays to 8.00pm.

Phone: Freephone 0808 802 0925

URL: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk




Organisation: National Association of Child Contact Centres

Details: A network of centres across the UK that allow parents to see their children in a safe place.
Supervised and supported contact is available. Provides a neutral environment, usually with games and toys available for children.

Phone: 0845 4500 280

URL: http://www.naccc.org.uk




Organisation: National Domestic Violence Helpline

Details: The freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline is run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge. It is a national service for women experiencing domestic violence or their friends and families. A translation service is available.

Phone: 0808 2000 247

URL: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk




Organisation: National Family Mediation

Details: This is a local network of not-for-profit family mediation services, which offers a practical approach to resolving disputes between separated or separating couples. Aims to help individuals reach joint decisions on issues associated with their separation such as children, finance or property.

Phone: 0300 4000 636

URL: http://www.nfm.org.uk




Organisation: NSPCC

Details: Information for parents and carers supporting children who have experienced or witnessed domestic violence.

Phone: 0808 800 5000

URL: http://www.nspcc.org.uk




Organisation: One Parent Families Scotland Lone Parent Helpline

Details: Run by our partner organisation, the Lone Parent Helpline provides confidential advice and information for single parents in Scotland.

Phone: 0808 801 0323

URL: http://www.opfs.org.uk




Organisation: Relate

Details: Provides a counselling service especially for children and young people who are having problems at home. Also offers a range of services for couples, families and individuals and supports them at all stages of their relationships.

Phone: 0300 100 1234

URL: http://www.relate.org.uk




Organisation: Resolution

Details: Association of solicitors specialising in family law, who adopt a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family problems. It can provide a list of local members. The website contains free information on issues such as splitting up, parenting apart and child maintenance. Resolution produce a booklet, Separation and divorce – Helping parents to help children, a practical guide to handling the emotional aspects of separation or divorce.

Phone: 0845 758 5671

URL: http://www.resolution.org.uk




Organisation: Reunite

Details: Charity providing advice, information and support to parents who fear their child may be at risk of abduction. Also advises on international contact issues and cases of ´permission to remove´. Provides advice to those who have had their child abducted, as well as parents and guardians who may have abducted their child.

Phone: 0116 2556 234

URL: http://www.reunite.org




Organisation: Rights of Women

Details: Free, confidential legal advice by telephone for women on a wide variety of issues. Specialist areas include family law, lesbian parenting, divorce/relationship breakdown, children/contact issues and domestic violence.

Phone: 020 7251 6577

URL: http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk




Organisation: The Parent Connection

Details: The website supports parents through separation and parenting difficulties. There are a range of resources including articles, videos and support to develop a new parenting relationship after separation, along with practical ideas to overcome problems.

Phone:

URL: http://www.theparentconnection.org.uk

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